For My Sanity, Please Use If-Else Statements, or I’ll Find You

This prompts a door-stuck dramatic recreation

I’ve seen countless blogs imploring alternatives to conditional statements or advocating not to use them in specific programming languages. Unless you have some fucking insane language that’s not used in the real world, stick to using if/else.

I’m sorry, but the one-liner question mark nonsense makes me think, and brother, I hate thinking.